Monday, December 29, 2003

Saddam's Capture Re-Opens Much Sought-After Position

The Office of the Anti-Christ is vacant once again, according to National Review Online columnist and Veteran Rapture Watcher DeLuxe Carl Olson. It seems that Bible prophecy researchers had regarded ousted Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein as the leading candidate for that position.

As End Times expert Timothy LaHaye put it in his 1999 book Are We Living in the End Times? ("a nonfiction companion to the Left Behind series"), "Long before Saddam Hussein became a household name, he was busy fulfilling Bible prophecy" [by rebuilding "Babylon," as Iraq was known in ancient times]. Also said LaHaye, as quoted by Olson,

"As sure as there is a God in heaven who keeps His word, Babylon will live again as ‘the seat of Satan.' . . . Even now, in our lifetime, Babylon is being prepared for its final appearance on the stage of human history. The ancient prophecies about Babylon are unfolding before us — just like so many other prophecies of the end times."

Of course, this scenario went belly-up as soon as U. S. forces found the Anti-Christ and World Dictator hiding in a hole in the Babylonian mud disguised as a Bedford-Styvesant wino --and (in our humble opinion, providentially) only a week before Christmas. Thus ends the satanic career of yet another in a long line of has-beens who have failed to keep the Office of Anti-Christ intact, including Kaiser Wilhelm, Adolf Hitler, Henry Kissinger, Anwar Sadat, Bill Gates, Martha Stewart, and whoever invented those flimsy and practically useless plastic grocery bags.

Just goes to show that you can't find good help anymore.

But Old Scratch seems to have had great difficulty for over 100 years recruiting and keeping reliable personnel to carry out his nefarious work. Perhaps he ought to consider contracting the job out to one of the many high-profile Washington, DC head-hunters. We suspect they would have long lists of former Congressmen, retired CEOs, and practicing lawyers who would easily qualify.

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