Disturber of the Peace |
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"Any questioning of the moral ideas that prevail ...is received with the utmost hostility. To attempt such an enterprise is to disturb the peace" --H. L. Mencken
Almost-Pithy Punditry from a Predominantly Papist Perspective, Sponsored by Disturber of the Peace Institute, a Washington, DC Think Tank which does not exist
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Tuesday, May 18, 2004
CICADAS THREATEN EARTH! Revealing Web Site Blows the Whistle on the Critters At last the Truth Is Out There about those seemingly innocent red-eyed bugs invading the Eastern seaboard. For example, from the Cicadaville.com FAQs page: What do Cicadas eat? Human children are the primary source of nutrition for Cicadas. Are Cicadas poisonous? Yes, Cicadas have a deadly venom that is injected through a small bone like tube known as the "Cicada deadly venom tube". The venom can kill a human being instantly. In 1987, the last time the Cicadas emerged in Cincinnati, over 7 million people died from Cicada injections. Many people escaped but most perished. How large are Cicadas? Many of the Cicadas in this year's strain stand over 3 feet tall and weigh over 50 pounds. The largest Cicada to appear in Cincinnati is shown to the left causing several hours of downtown traffic congestion while it searched for food in the form of human children. This giant Cicada was eventually shot by Cincinnati Police who mistook a spot of shiny tree sap on its leg for a gun. Do Cicadas make that loud buzzing sound to attract a mate? No, that is a common myth. Our research indicates that sound is actually a battle cry that roughly translates as Kill the Humans. When you hear that sound, take cover! It means the killing spree is about to begin. But there's hope! The following preventive measures are recommended: What should I do if a Cicada knocks on my door and pretends to be a Jehova's Witness? This is a common occurrence. If it happens to you don't panic. Simply invite the Cicada in to hear your Amway presentation. This is generally a strong enough repellant. Save the Children! Losing your child to a deadly Cicada can be very traumatic. To prevent such a tragedy, we recommend wrapping your children tightly in shrink wrapping. Follow these instructions: It is important to shrink wrap all children under the age of 12. The shrink wrapping must stay on the child for a 6 week period. Shrink wrapping is the only way to protect kids from the predatory and venomous cicadas. Good luck, and God help us all!
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